The Power of Flexible Thinking When Co-Parenting During a High-Conflict Divorce

Co-parenting with someone who’s constantly difficult, dismissive, or uncooperative can feel like trying to build a house during a storm. You might be dealing with:

• Constant arguments
  
  

• Last-minute changes
  
  

• Manipulative mind games
  
  

• Or just complete silence

It's emotionally exhausting. And even when you do stay calm or take the high road, it can still feel like a one-sided power struggle.

So, what can you do when the other parent won’t meet you halfway?

In my work as a family mediator and high-conflict divorce coach, one of the most powerful tools I teach is Flexible Thinking — a skill that helps you stop spinning in circles and start finding real, workable ways to move forward, even when the other person refuses to cooperate.

What Is Flexible Thinking?

At its core, flexible thinking means adjusting your thoughts, reactions, and choices to match new circumstances. It’s about zooming out, reframing a situation, and being open to multiple ways to solve the same problem.

The first thought that comes to mind may not always be the best one. And thankfully, there are usually more options than we realize. 

The Trap of All-or-Nothing Thinking

One of the biggest blockers that we need to avoid in high-conflict co-parenting is what we call “all-or-nothing” thinking. For example:

-“My co-parent is completely selfish. Nothing I do will help.”
-“I’m the perfect parent. I don’t need to change.”
-“The divorce is his/her fault. There’s nothing I need to do differently.”
-“I am always the one that compromises. He/She will never meet me halfway.”

These thoughts might feel justified in the moment, but they trap you in a “no-exit” mindset. They block problem-solving and drain your energy.

Flexible thinking helps you pause by asking questions like: What if there’s another way? What if there’s something I haven’t thought of yet? 

Try the “List Method” for Problem-Solving

Here’s a practical tool I teach:

1. Make a list of problems you're facing with your co-parent.

2. Then create a second list of potential solutions for each problem — and don’t censor yourself. There are no right or wrong solutions, just free-write whatever comes to your mind. 

3. Revisit the list when you're calm. Look for anything worth trying or combining.

When you're problem-solving in the middle of stress or conflict, your first instinct is often to reject anything that seems unfamiliar.

But here’s a powerful reframe:
Go back and review every solution you’ve considered — especially the ones you initially dismissed. This time, approach them with fresh eyes and an open mind. Set aside the knee-jerk “nope” that pops up. It’s not about finding the perfect answer right away — it’s about unlocking the part of your brain that adapts, innovates, and sees new paths forward. Especially when your emotions have settled, you may spot a solution you couldn’t see clearly before.

Writing lists activates the logical, problem-solving part of your brain (the left hemisphere). It’s the side that organizes, strategizes, and helps you feel more grounded. And if you're feeling overwhelmed or emotionally stuck, putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) is a surprisingly effective way to calm your nervous system.

So before you throw out that “odd” idea or assume there’s only one path… pause. Rethink.
Your unconventional idea might be your best one yet.

When you're ready, offer 2–3 solid options to your co-parent. People are more likely to engage when they feel like they have a choice — and since you came up with all the ideas, it’s a win either way.

Mirror Time: Focus Inward, Not Just Outward

Sometimes, progress doesn’t come from the other person changing. Sometimes, it starts with you.

That doesn’t mean you’re the problem. It just means you hold more power than you think. Shift the spotlight inward and ask yourself:

• How might I be contributing to this pattern?
  
  

• What’s within my control to change, even just a little?

When we release the fantasy that the other person has to change first, we start to free ourselves emotionally.

Even one small shift in your behavior can interrupt a toxic pattern.

Consistency Is More Important Than Agreement

You don’t have to agree with your co-parent on everything. You never did — even when you were married. What matters is consistency in how you show up.

Say yes when you genuinely agree. Say no when you don’t. But keep your tone steady, and your energy consistent. Over time, this helps build credibility. That way, when something really matters, you have the stamina — and legitimacy — to take a firm stand.

Final Thoughts: 

I'll leave you with a quote from Edward De Bono that beautifully captures the power of flexible thinking:

“In the future, instead of striving to be right at high cost, it will be more appropriate to be flexible and plural at a lower cost. If you cannot accurately predict the future then you must flexibly be prepared to deal with various possible futures.”

Need help working through your divorce through mediation or coaching? Schedule a free consultation at www.zaykamel.com.

About the Author:

Zaynab Kamel is an Accredited Family Mediator (OAFM), Certified Divorce Coach, and Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach. With a background in social work, she brings a deep understanding of family dynamics and conflict resolution. When she’s not helping families through transitions, Zaynab enjoys hiking, yoga, and exploring the connections between astrology and human behavior.